THE FIRST TYPE OF SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BELIEFS IN MENTAL HEALTH

Should/Must/Ought/Have to

Clients will often make statements that include these words.

If the statements are made with conviction and enthusiasm, then they have come to these decisions themselves and that is fine, because they obviously want to do these things.

If they are showing reluctance or seem uncomfortable about making these statements, then it is possible that they are feeling compelled to make these types of statements not out of their own choice.

If they disregard the ‘should’ statements, then they may be feeling guilty with consequent negative results.

Here the goal of counselling is to help the client to become more comfortable with their decisions, and not to feel guilty about or resentful.

Where Do These Beliefs Come From?

Obviously, we begin life with no experience and no understanding of right and wrong.  We learn our value systems from those around us.

During adolescence we rebel against some of these values that we have learnt from others. As adults we have the relevant experience to determine our own beliefs.  This may involve keeping some of the beliefs that were handed down to us and replacing some of them with our own.

Sometimes when an adult uses a ‘should’ or similar statement, it is possible that they are still holding onto beliefs that they have held since their childhood, but that are not appropriate for them now.

The idea is to get the client to ‘own’ their choices as being morally right and fitting for them, rather than as being something that was imposed on them during their childhood.

These statements are often lingering at a head level rather than at gut feeling level.  Confusion sets in thoughts and feelings are not compatible.  There must be harmony in order for us to feel comfortable.

Sometimes a client may exhibit a reluctance to express what they have said they should do.  In these instances, it is a good idea to show them where their ‘I should’ messages might have evolved from.  They may then be able to see that there are alternatives available to them.  They might choose to accept one of the alternatives or stick with their original view.

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