Just as trauma survivors are often afraid to address what happened to them, family members are frequently fearful of examining the traumatic event as well. Family members may want to avoid talking about the trauma or trauma-related problems, even with friends. People who have experienced trauma hope that if they don’t talk about the problem, it will go away. People also don’t wish to talk about the trauma with others because they are afraid that others won’t understand or will judge them. Sometimes, if the traumatic event is one associated with shame, such as rape, family members may avoid talking about the event and its effects because of social “rules” that tell us it is inappropriate to talk about such things. Family members may also not discuss the trauma with others because they fear it will bring their loved one more shame.

Family members may avoid the things that the trauma survivor avoids because they want to spare the survivor further pain, or because they are afraid of his or her reaction. For example, the wife of a combat veteran who is anxious about going out in public may not make plans for family outings or vacations because she is afraid to upset her husband. Though she doesn’t know what she can do to “fix” the problem, she does know that if the family goes to a public event, the husband will be anxious and irritable the whole time.

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